It’s been two months since I've been publicly showing my work, and it’s not because I’ve been sitting around doing nothing. I’ve actually been really busy shooting, editing, booking, and running around doing all the behind-the-scenes chaos that comes with being a creative in this industry.
I’ve shot events, I’ve covered an entire auction, profiled over 70 cars, but my head’s been somewhere else. Because somewhere along the way, I hit a wall.
A plateau.
Now, this plateau didn’t just happen overnight. Honestly, I think it started at the beginning of the year. But I chose to ignore it. I kept pushing through, telling myself it was just burnout or fatigue. And then one day, I realized something that messed me up: what I do behind my camera had somehow become who I am as a person.
Don’t get me wrong, photography means the world to me. It’s my escape from reality. But that realization hit deep.
For years, I’ve chased those little moments of happiness, seeing someone’s face light up when they see my work for the first time, hitting milestones, growing my client base, and building Fuelled Up from nothing. Those highs are unmatched. But I don’t think we talk enough about the lows.
The plateau.
The part where growth slows down, and suddenly you’re questioning everything.
For me, that plateau triggered something deeper. My work has always been such a huge part of my identity, and I think that’s where things went sideways. It wasn’t about losing motivation; it was about starting to experience the negatives. Like realizing someone you thought was in your corner was actually just using you for your skills.
Those moments hit hard. And when your heart is in what you do, betrayal doesn’t just sting professionally, it cuts right into who you are.
Maybe that’s immaturity. Maybe it’s a personal life lesson. Either way, it’s real, and no one gives you a guide on how to deal with it.
The truth is, I’m someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. I always have. But this year, that part of me has felt like both my biggest strength and my biggest weakness. Because when you care as deeply as I do, it can make you an easy target. And being in an industry that’s so built on relationships, face-to-face interactions, and trust—it’s hard to know where the line is between genuine connection and someone's intention.
Sometimes people’s intentions don’t match their words. They’ll say they support you, but their actions tell a different story. And sometimes, the people you thought you could trust end up being the ones who hurt you the most. Those are the lessons I wasn’t ready for.
And because I wear my heart on my sleeve, I feel everything ten times harder. When things go wrong, I internalize it. I replay conversations in my head, I overthink my reactions, and somehow, I always end up feeling like I’m the problem—even when I’m not.
Over time, I think that’s caused me to build up walls towards people who deserve them, and people who don’t. Maybe that’s a defence mechanism. Maybe it’s immaturity. But either way, I know it’s probably affected people along the way who didn’t deserve that. And that realization stings, because I never want to be someone who lets the actions of a few make me colder to everyone else.
I think part of it comes from being in an industry that’s not about me. It’s about the drivers, the fans, the clients. Without them, we don’t have this world that we love. So I bite my tongue, I bury the hurt, and I remind myself that the show has to go on. But man, that’s a hard lesson to learn when all you’ve ever tried to do is lead with kindness.
And sometimes, because I care so much, the human side of me kicks in and I don’t respond perfectly. I’m learning. I’m trying. But this year taught me some harsh realities that no one prepares you for, the kind that shake your confidence, make you second-guess your instincts, and make you question who’s really in your corner.
Luckily, I’ve got some incredible people in my life who helped me realize I am more than just a photographer. They see me as a person. And through a lot of tough conversations this year, they’ve helped me realize that I deserve more. That I’m allowed to feel what I feel.
But if I’m being honest, lately I’ve been nervous. Nervous to post. Nervous to put myself out there. Nervous to show my personality because somehow it might come back and cause more stress or anxiety. I’ve been hiding parts of myself because it feels like one of the few things I still have that people can’t take away, and that sucks.
Because the reason I fell in love with motorsports in the first place was the connection and authenticity in this community. That raw, unfiltered energy. And I miss that.
It’s such a double-edged sword. I still love this job! I still want to grow. I still want to make connections and have fun. But I’m tired. And I’m scared of creating friendships that turn out to be one-sided, where people only see me for what I can do, not who I am.
But like I said, I still love this!! I still love what I do. I still want to create. I still want to grow. I still want to see new things, push my skills, and make drivers look badass.
Even if I’m not posting right now, I’m still out here, camera in hand, doing what I love. I’m just also a human who’s struggling to care about something that means everything to me, when it doesn’t always feel like it means as much to others.
Or worse, it means so much to them that they’re willing to steal it, undercut it, or find ways to benefit from it without ever supporting me. And that hurts in a way that’s hard to explain. Because this isn’t just a job to me. It’s something I’ve built with my whole heart, the late nights, missed meals, 4 AM edits, all of it.
I guess the best way to say it is this: I’m just a girl trying to find the balance between Becky the photographer and Becky the human being.
And through everything, from the highs of shooting Spokane, Monster Trucks, Late Mods and Alberta Diesel Days, to the lows that shook my confidence, I’m learning that I’m more than my work.
It’s a hard lesson, but it’s an important one.
So for now, no plans. No overthinking. Just going with the flow and trying to find myself again, both behind and beyond the lens.
Stay tuned, cause I'm still shooting - Becks
📷 - Kim Ergano Photography
